No Brakes Valet Review

Grade: A

Parking in the midst of explosions, chickens, and sometimes without brakes is hard.

No Brakes Valet is an enjoyable and hilarious little arcade game. You’re trying to park the cars that come zooming out of a chute, and you can turn left and right. You have brakes most of the time, but sometimes, you get a “no brakes” car, which is a real challenge. You have to try and do donuts and bide your time until you slow and then glide it into a spot somehow. Yes, it is as hard as it sounds.

Some cars have no brakes, and you have to glide them in. I was proud of this no brakes park job.

It’s an impossibly difficult game to park the cars correctly, but it’s much more fun to make a mess than park properly. Of course, you get satisfying crunching foley noises for every car crash, and that’s part of the fun as well.

No Brakes Valet three ways

There are three modes for no brakes valet. Original flavor “No Brakes Valet,” “2 Brakes 2 Valet”, and of course “No Brakes Valet: Ontario Drift.”

Original No Brakes Valet has a couple of twists and turns but is the most straightforward of the three versions. The hardest twist is parking the prime minister. You have to aim carefully towards the one VIP spot. So it’s better when you get the prime minister early in the car run, and there are fewer obstacles in your path.

Get the Prime Minister to the VIP spot.

If you knock the Prime Minister from his spot by crashing into him with other cars, you don’t get the valet tip at the end.

I’m terrible at this game, but I have lunch money at least!

2 Brakes 2 Valet includes hit and run

In 2 Brakes 2 Valet, you have the added complexity of pedestrians, fancy fast cars, and limos. Each pedestrian you hit costs you a whole $20 ticket. You can avoid the ticket if you pick them up with the ambulance, though. I am terrible at 2 Brakes 2 Valet.

Limos, Fancy Cars, and Pedestrians take center stage in 2 Brakes, 2 Valet.

I never ended once in the positives with my tips, but that’s ok. After a bit, it became more of a game of golf where I went for the lowest score possible.

Ontario Drift ups the stakes

For No Brakes Valet: Ontario Drift, this is where the game ramps up the parking to 11. You’ve got money trucks and exploding canisters and tires laying about the parking lot. You have to wend your way carefully through.

When you blow up the money truck, you can get some sweet tips.

Then, the chicken trucks come out! You know parking is going to become serious when there are chicken trucks.

But wait, there are also explosive trucks! Chicken Trucks + Explosive trucks = Madness

Chicken trucks, explosive trucks, and sailboat trucks combine for some parking madness.

Wrap-up

Every time you think you’ve settled in, No Brakes Valet adds new twists and escalates the action. It’s about 5-10 minutes to play, but even in that short time, it reminded me of those crazy anime show endings where everything gets more and more bonkers until you’re just like, “what is even happening right now?!” (I.E., Gurren Lagann, Dragonball Super, Kill la Kill). There’s a lot packed into this little game by Captain Games, the author.

No Brakes Valet is crazier and crazier until you aren’t sure what’s happening anymore. It’s glorious.

Also, it’s free, so go and play it!

P.S. There’s also a local multiplayer mode to competitively park.

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